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HanoverSquare(追忆似水年华)
Canitreallybesixty-twoyearsagothatIfirstsawyou?
Itistrulyalifetime,Iknow.ButasIgazeintoyoureyesnow,itseemslikeonlyyesterdaythatIfirstsawyou,inthatsmallcaféinHanoverSquare.
FromthemomentIsawyousmile,asyouopenedthedoorforthatyoungmotherandhernewbornbaby.Iknew.IknewthatIwantedtosharetherestofmylifewithyou.
IstillthinkofhowfoolishImusthavelooked,asIgazedatyou,thatfirsttime.Irememberwatchingyouintently,asyoutookoffyourhatandlooselyshookyourshortdarkhairwithyourfingers.Ifeltmyselfbeingimmersedinyoureverydetail,asyouplacedyourhatonthetableandcuppedyourhandsaroundthehotcupoftea,gentlyblowingthesteamawaywithyourpoutedlips.
Fromthatmoment,everythingseemedtomakeperfectsensetome.Thepeopleinthecaféandthebusystreetoutsidealldisappearedintoahazyblur.AllIcouldseewasyou.
AllthroughmylifeIhaverelivedthatveryfirstday.Many,manytimesIhavesatandthoughtaboutthatthefirstday,andhowforafewfleetingmomentsIamthere,feelingagainwhatisliketoknowtruelovefortheveryfirsttime.ItpleasesmethatIcanstillhavethosefeelingsnowafterallthoseyears,andIknowIwillalwayshavethemtofortme.
NotevenasIshookandtrembleduncontrollablyinthetrenches,didIforgetyourface.Iwouldsithuddledintothewetmud,terrified,asthehailsofbulletsandmortarscrasheddownaroundme.Iwouldclutchmyrifletightlytomyheart,andthinkagainofthatveryfirstdaywemet.Iwouldcryoutinfear,asthenoiseofwarbeatdownaroundme.But,asIthoughtofyouandsawyousmilingbackatme,everythingaroundmewouldbebeesilent,andIwouldbewithyouagainforafewpreciousmoments,farfromthedeathanddestruction.ItwouldnotbeuntilIopenedmyeyesonceagain,thatIwouldseeandhearthecarnageofthewararoundme.
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Icannottellyouhowstrongmyloveforyouwasbackthen,whenIreturnedtoyouonleaveintheSeptember,feelingbattered,bruisedandfragile.WeheldeachothersotightIthoughtwewouldburst.IaskedyoutomarrymetheverysamedayandIwhoopedwithjoywhenyoulookeddeepintomyeyesandsaid“yes“tobeingmybride.
I“mlookingatourweddingphotonow,theoneonourdressingtable,nexttoyourjewellerybox.Ithinkofhowyoungandinnocentwewerebackthen.IrememberbeingonthechurchstepsgrinninglikeaCheshirecat,whenyousaidhowdashingandhandsomeIlookedinmyuniforThephotoisoldandfadednow,butwhenIlookatit,Ionlyseethebrightvibrantcolorsofouryouth.Icanstillremembereverydetailoftheprettyweddingdressyourmothermadeforyou,withitsfinedelicatelaceandprettypearls.IfIconcentratehardenough,Icansmellthesweetnessofyourweddingbouquetasyouhelditsoproudlyforeveryonetosee.
Irememberbeingsooverenjoyed,whenayearlater,yougentlyheldmyhandtoyourwaistandwhisperedinmyearthatweweregoingtobeafamily.
Iknowbothourchildrenloveyoudearly;theyareoutsidethedoornow,waiting.
DoyourememberhowIpanickedlikeamadmanwhenJonathonwasborn?Icanstillpictureyoulaughingandsmilingatmenow,asIclumsilyheldhimfortheveryfirsttimeinmyarms.Iwatchedasyourlaughterfadedintotears,asIstaredathimandcriedmyowntearsofjoy.
SarahandTomarrivedthismorningwithlittleTessie.Canyourememberhowwebothhuggedeachothertightlywhenwesawourtinygranddaughterforthefirsttime?Ican“tbelieveshewillbeeightnextmonth.Iamtryingnottocry,mylove,asItellyouhowbeautifulshelookstodayinherprettydressandredshinyshoes,sheremindsmesomuchofyouthatfirstdaywemet.Shehasherhaircutshortnow,justlikeyourswasallthoseyearsago.WhenImetheratthedoorhersmilewrappedaroundmelikeawarmglove,justlikeyoursusedtodo,mydarling.
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Iknowyouaretired,mydear,andImustletyougo.ButIloveyousomuchithurtstodoso.
Aswegrewoldtogether,Iwouldteaseyouthatyouhadnotchangedsincewefirstmet.Butitistrue,mydarling.Idonotseethewrinklesandgreyhairthatotherpeoplesee.WhenIlookatyounow,Ionlyseeyoursweettenderlipsandyouthfulsparklingeyesaswesatandhadoutfirstpicnicnexttothatsmallstream,andchasedeachotheraroundthatbigoldoaktree.Irememberwishingthosefirstfewdaystogetherwouldlastforever.Doyourememberhowexcitingandwonderfulthosedayswere?
Imustgonow,mydarling.Ourchildrenarewaitingoutside.Theywanttosaygoodbyetoyou.
Iwipethetearsawayfrommyeyesandbendmyfrailoldlegsdowntothefloor,sothatIcankneelbesideyou.Ileanclosetoyouandtakeholdofyourhandandkissyourtenderlipsfortheverylasttime.
Sleeppeacefullymydear.
Iamsadthatyouhadtoleaveme,butpleasedon“tworry.Iamcontent,knowingIwillbewithyousoon.Iamtoooldandtooemptynowtolivemuchlongerwithoutyou.
Iknowitwon“tbelongbeforewemeetagaininthatsmallcaféinHanoverSquare.
Goodbye,mydarlingwife.
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我们初次相遇,难道真的是六十二年前吗?
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